Who is the pre-school cartoon ‘Star Trek: Scouts’ made for? (hint: it’s not kids)

With very little fanfare, a new “Star Trek” series beamed onto Nickelodeon’s Blaze and the Monster Machines YouTube channel this week. It’s safe to assume that its target audience didn’t much care that it was “Star Trek” Day on September 8 (the anniversary of the Original Series’ first broadcast). In fact, they probably haven’t even heard of Captain Kirk, Spock, or the starship Enterprise, because “Star Trek: Scouts” is aimed squarely at a pre-school audience. Unfortunately, it may not have been made entirely with them in mind.

Before you get your hopes up, the first two episodes of “Scouts” display little of the smart, multi-generational appeal that’s turned “Bluey” into an international hit. “Scouts” moves at a breakneck pace, attacking your eyes with a sugar-rush of primary-colored CG and soundtracked by a lot of enthusiastic shouting. It’s toddler TV by the numbers, seemingly designed to make the shortest attention spans even shorter.

The stories focus on a trio of eight-year-old space cadets (humans J.D. and Roo, and Vulcan Sprocket) using their “astro-alarm” and “asteroid deflector wheel” to protect the world from threats such as a soap bar asteroid from the Bathnar Nebula and a meatball asteroid from the Noodle Nebula (hmm, we sense a theme developing…). There’s also a cute alien dog called Zips, Sprocket has an Inspector Gadget-esque bionic arm, and they recite their “Discover! Grow! Boldly go!” mission statement at the end of each episode.

No surprises there then, as this is effectively pre-school TV 101. Yet, the makers of “Scouts” have thrown in meaningless references to transporters and the Klingon homeworld, Qo’noS. Why? It certainly isn’t for the benefit of viewers who don’t yet know what “Star Trek” is, and probably wouldn’t care if they did.

No, the clear aim of this show is drawing in parents who love “Trek” and want their kids to love “Trek” too. Someone at the parent company Paramount must be hoping that, given the choice between two four-minute animated adventures, brand loyalty will draw mom and dad towards the final frontier.

As anyone who’s been disappointed by a celebrity-authored children’s book will testify, however, slapping the name of a familiar franchise on an otherwise generic cartoon is no guarantee of quality.

Besides — and this is where the exercise proves as futile as resisting the Borg — the chances of “Scouts” opening your kid’s eyes to the wider “Star Trek” universe are negligible. Because, whatever Paramount’s aspirations, “Scouts” is not about to create the Trekkies of the future. Look beyond the uniforms and the occasional in-joke and “Scouts” is barely “Star Trek” at all. It doesn’t even compare well to “Young Jedi Adventures,” Disney+’s similarly peril-free introduction to “Star Wars“‘ galaxy far, far away — at least that show makes some pretense at riffing on Jedi themes, with occasional cameos from Yoda. Instead, “Scouts” is so alien to the rest of “Star Trek” universe. Even its most enthusiastic pre-school fans are highly unlikely to see Jean-Luc Picard on Netflix, think “This reminds me of J.D., Roo, and Sprocket,” and then demand their parents tune in.

The thing is, we love the idea of our kids liking the stuff that we like. Shared experiences are an integral part of family life, and “Scouts” is engineered to exploit that. We’ll do (almost) anything to point our offspring in the “right” direction, whether it’s going on about ’80s/’90s movies being better than today’s, or insisting they watch the original “Star Wars” trilogy years before they’re ready. (“Yes, I know it makes sense to start with ‘Episode I’ but it’s my house and we’ll start with ‘Episode IV’! Now, go to your room and think about how wrong you are!”).

In an alternative universe, shows like “Scouts” and “Young Jedi Adventures” — hopefully versions with better scripts, more suitable for grown-up consumption — would be ready-made introductions to strange new worlds. But, and here’s the kicker, kids don’t always play ball. Despite my own best “efforts,” my daughter (now 13) thinks “Star Wars” is okay, while the “Doctor Who” fandom remains a work in progress. We haven’t even attempted “Star Trek” because I know it won’t be up her street (not yet, anyway). And you know what? That’s absolutely fine.

Because just as older generations discovered and subsequently fell in love with “Star Wars,” “Star Trek,” “The Lord of the Rings,” and/or the Marvel Cinematic Universe (delete as appropriate), our kids will discover their own passions. These will come and go; some will be brilliant, others a full-blooded assault on your critical faculties. But, occasionally, they’ll stumble on an absolute classic and introduce you to something wonderful that wouldn’t otherwise have crossed your radar. This can be way more satisfying than inflicting your own tastes on them.

Kids growing up today have access to more entertainment than any generation in history. They sure as hell don’t need dumbed down, poorly written approximations of beloved franchises to show them the way.

Episodes of “Star Trek: Scouts” are available on Nickelodeon’s Blaze and the Monster Machines YouTube channel.